So, okay. I’ve FINALLY, (FINALLY I tell you!) have decided WTF I wanna do.
and it’s acting.
Ever since I was little I’ve always pretended. I remember the first time after I watched the first bubblegum crisis episode, I went outside to play and forced my friends to reanact the first scene. Second grade I absolutely loved playing Maria in our play. I took on about, 4 different parts in the 8th grade Drama Club play. I’ve always recreated scenes from my favorite movies, (hell today I was pretending to be Peter Carlisle from Blackpool. :O)
Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. but, for one thing, I have
A) Never even FINISHED an actual story. =|
B) I get bored with it too easily.
C) Combining the above, nothing ever gets finished.
I might be good at it, but it doesn’t give me the same thrill that acting does.
I wanna be able to be in movies, and be a star. I know, cliche, but it’s true. I don’t want to be just in plays, (although, I will give credit that it was the begining.), I wanna be in movies. I wanna star alongside some of the people who inspire me to act, (I give big credit to David Tennant for that.)
but how does I do’s this, lol?
It’s a frustrating path, and I know it’s not gonna happen overnight. There’s going to be auditions after auditions.
But how do I FIND said auditions?
I don’t know if I should join an agency, and get an agent. Do I continue persueing Craigslist? Good luck with me on that, I have yet to find something that wants someone my age. most of the actress spots are for 18+
and I have 3 years to go, bucko.
I don’t want to do anything cliche, like do my own youtube broadcast! and you know, PRAY TO GOD IT GET’S NOTICED. I wouldn’t mind doing short films however. But vlogging? That’s gay as hell.
I don’t even care if I’m paid at first.
I suppose I sound desperate, and like every other young aspiring actress. but, it’s…just, something I desperatly want to do.
I watch movies, and I watch T.V shows, and I just feel…hurt almost that I’m not doing that as well.
I could really give a shit less about the fame. I just love the acting.
and really, if the silly little girls over at Disney can become famous, then I see no reason why the hell I can’t do what I love. (and one really wonders if they really enjoy what they do. but, who’s to say? I don’t know! but really, I do dislike Disney stars with a passion..=|)
(although, I do like Ashley Tisdale. she’s pretty.)
(ho hum!)
in any event, this shit does not come with a manual, (nothing ever does! :|), so it’s a bit frustrating for me.
ehhhhhhhhh.
oh also, Ivan? he can go suck cock. 
and Sunday will be my 7th Dot Dot Dot show.
I guess that proves I have no life…
-Selphie,
Sooo, I’ve been feeling way better.
I actually, have um, a boyfriend. Haha.
He’s really sweet. I love hims lots.
I think he may actually be coming over on Friday to spend the night, (*coughs*) cause we’ve been wanting to go out to the movies or something, but we both have no money, so then I remebered - OH! We have an air popcorn popper!
So I said, we could spend the night eating popcorn and watching movies. I am so clever!!
My friends are pretty cool. April is intent on making out with me. Some of them can be a bit, annoying. Like Racheal and Jen. The two will NOT STOP FUCKING ARGUEING. Jesus CHRIST.
I don’t blame Jen as much tho. She tries to ignore Racheal and whatnot, but Racheal will just NOT leave it alone. >.<
as for the rest of school. it sucks so fucking horribly. I don’t even want to get into my grades and shit. basically, I’ll have to take an entire semester over again next year.
Oh, and today in 8th period (World Studies, aka the class where NOTHING, and I do mean, NOTHING, gets done.), the woman teacher whatever her name is, (she’s fucking annoying tho. She rides a scooter, for what I can see, because she’s fat as fuck. It makes me want to punch her in the face. I’m sure she’s one of the FUCKERS who take the wheelchair thingys at Walmart, when people like my GRANDMOTHER, actually NEEEDEDDDD them. but I digress.)
Now this woman is annoying as hell, and as far as I can tell, VERY old-fashioned, so I cut her a little slack, cause she can’t help how she was raised.
But come on. She was talking to me about my grade and whatnot, and what to do. and all of sudden she goes, “Oh, and you should take that thing out of your lip.” (aka my lip ring.)
WTF.
I fucking HATE it. HATE IT. when people tell me that shit. “Oh you’re such a pretty girl! you don’t need that!”
IT’S A FUCKING TINY PIECE OF METAL IN MY LIP.
how the FUCK does that detract from me being pretty? Quite frankly, my boyfriend thinks its quite hot. So really, you fucksticks, if *I* think I look fucking pretty with it, and my boyfriend thinks I look pretty with it. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND?
I’m sorry, but that’s just fucking annoying. It’s MY body, and I’ll do with it what I damn please.
“Ohhh, I know I shouldn’t be saying anything.”
DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULDN’T BE YOU DUMB BROAD.
Christ.
It’s a SMALL piece of metal in my lip. it’s not like it’s this huge thing.
and this woman wonders why our class hates her.
as for why they hate Mr.N, I have no idea. he’s nice, albiet, creepy nice. but still. he tries…
-skip
I’m…going….fucking…insane.
I’m seriously starting to question my sanity. I can barely walk straight. Hell I can barely even think straight.
I don’t want to go to school, I started crying in the bathroom because of that.
There’s NO REASON FOR ME FEELING THIS WAY.
it makes me feel horrible because Duo is doing his best, and we’re stable and everything. but I just…I don’t…I don’t know anymore. I just want to lay down and not get back up. i know it’s not like me at all…
but I don’t even know anymore. I just don’t want to do anything.
I’m scared.
I’ve gotta go get my shoes and socks on now.
-Selphie.
So,
we’re moved in.
I have my own room!
yay.
and I am really happy…
but…
I don’t know, I still feel…
sad.
I know I shouldn’t be, and it pisses me off that I am.
I SHOULD NOT BE SAD.
I still have insomnia. I want to sleep, I feel tired, but I just can’t get to sleep.
I’m starting to think I’m going to need sleep medication, or antidepressants or SOMETHING.
I want to be better, I really do. I don’t want people worrying about me, trying to make me feel better.
I really don’t have anything to be sad about…
but, I don’t know. It’s so hard to describe…
anyway.
I have had it with my mother.
As far as I’m concerned,
she gave birth to me. That’s all.
I.do.not.want.her.in.my.fucking.life.
Maybe we’ll have a magical “movie-moment!” and make up years for now.
But really, I could care less if we do.
I don’t SEE her as a mother. I look at her, and I don’t think, “yea, that’s my mom.” I think, “why exactly am I here?”
I just, I just…
I don’t see her as a mother. For years and years I tried to convince myself that yea, she was my mom, she’d always be there for me.
Because I thought I had too.
but now, I just can’t…
I just can’t see myself and say, “yea, I have a mom.”
=|
blah.
I’m gonna go try and get to sleep.
I do love my new room though.
First up,
my mother.
It’s too the point…I really…just…don’t WANT one. I’ve spent 14, almost 15 years without on really, and the times when I did ‘have’ one, were pretty damn horrible. =| I just really, don’t WANT one. I see no point in it, and whenever someone tries to be my ‘mommy’ it only ends up with me crying. And I hate that. That’s not how it’s supposed to be…
So, I just…I don’t…I don’t want a mother, a mom, or anything. I’ve never had one, so why should I start now?
Don’t get me wrong, I love Traci… but, it’s a love based on the fact she gave birth to me and I’m grateful for it. But…I don’t feel anything more.
Is that a bad thing? I don’t even know anymore.
My sexuality.
I consider myself asexual now. I really despise people in general as of late. Nobody has anything even mildly interesting to say, and what they do manage to spew out is well, nothing interesting. I made friends, yes, but they are boring beyond belief, and yes they are nice.
But I really do not like them.
Kayla, just reminds me of Emma all over again, (despite saying she’s a cooler version. Yea, okay. You do the same exact shit she used to do. So spare me.)
I do not like my teachers, or the people I go to school with. I lie between my teeth when asked if I like Larkin and everyone.
I do not like anyone.
My faith in humanity and people has dropped so low, I don’t even know WHY.
People just suck.
Career wise?
I want to start a band. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do, but my faith in my vocals has always kept me back, despite the fact I (or at least I like to think anyway) write pretty decent lyrics.
But the Smiths/Morrissey have once more inspired me to do so. I plan on working on that once we get into the city (which is soon, because Duo got us an apartment.)
More then likely, over the summer.
…and even after that rant I still feel pretty shitty. I honestly hope this all just goes away. I’m not sleeping good. I just want to constantly be asleep because I’m just so tired all of the time. And at night when I do lay down to sleep, it takes me like, another hour just laying there to fall asleep.
I really just wanna lie down and not get up…:(
-Skip
so…
I’m not seeing my mother anymore.
I can’t take it anymore. I’m really just sick and tired of talking to her, hearing her excuses, and watching her slowly kill herself.
So, I won’t do it.
anyway.
new song.
(guess what it’s about! =|)
It’s already two in the morning.
And I’m still up..
Isn’t it funny
How you can still make me wonder?
And yet every night…
I cry myself to sleep.
I worry myself to cry.
And yet you still.
Refuse to care…
And it goes on.
Every night…
I wonder dear god why…
It used to go so well…
When I was young.
A trusting child’s hand…
That was mine.
I always said, they’ll come back.
But secretly, I cried myself to sleep, wondering…
Would you really come back?
I forced myself to relive memories, in order to fill
this empty chasm.
And yet every night…
I cry myself to sleep.
I worry myself to cry.
And yet you still.
Refuse to care…
And it goes on.
Every night…
I wonder dear god why…
It’s not so easy!
To be an adult, apparently.
And yet why is it, that everyone says.
I’m the mature one.
It’s not fair! It’s not right!
I only want that thing that’s in the store window…
that all the other children have.
and yet you still, refuse to buy the one thing I want!
You still refuse to care.
And it goes on every night in my tear soaked bed.
You say you care, and I’m sure you do.
But then why do the tears still fall at night?
I haven’t felt this horrible, this depressed, since I was 11.
I don’t even know what’s wrong anymore. I really don’t. I’ve started crying and stopped at least 2 or 3 times already today, I feel as if I have a constant headache, and I…I don’t know.
The school is stupid, as with everyone else.
Jesus fucking christ, don’t take it so personally that I don’t give a flying fuck that you’re picking your dog up and he’s squirming.
Jesus FUCK, could you FUCKSTICKS be a LITTLE BIT MORE DISORGANIZED. IT’S NOT YOUR FUTURE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.
IT’S MINE. *MINE*. SO PLEASE, FUCKING TRY TO DO YOUR JOB.
even that didn’t help. I feel fidgety. I can’t sit still, I don’t WANT to sit still. But at the same time I just want to lay down and not move ever again.
It’s incredibly hard to find old movies on bittorrent. I was searching for Leather Boys on Isohunt and I all I got was fucking pornos.
fuck fuck fuck.
oh and when my mom and I went to Hottopic I asked the guy there if they had any Smiths/Morrissey shirts. of course not. I wanted to fucking punch his face in because he acted smug and shit.
PLEASE GTFO AND GET OUT OF THE GENE POOL.
ass.
ALSO, I FUCKING HATE FAKE NAILS. I need to get some acetone ASAP so I can peel these fuckers OFF.
*sigh* oh, I’m becoming a vegetarian. I know, it’s weird. oh well. deal with it. I’m not gonna make a big fuss about it or anything,and yes, I STILL HATE PETA. Their attitude just…completely turns me off.
I’m gonna go make my other can of spaghetti-o’s I think.
yum.
-Skip
It’s been awhile! Heh. And lots have changed. I still love Daft Punk but…
well.
I love Morrissey/The Smiths a lot more. I really do. It’s weird. never have I liked someone this much before. =|
It’s really weird. I mean, granted, everyone thinks this is just another phase of mine, and I don’t blame them. I really don’t.
But. it’s just. (and I know -every- Morrissey fan says this.) the lyrics are just so…true. I don’t know. it’s so hard to explain. I can’t really. Other people can, but I just…I can’t. Never have I been at such a loss for words. D:
fksr4potekkk
anyway.
I wrote a bunch of songs, (posting them on myspace. =|)
also, I’m pretty damn sure I’m asexual at this point. both genders just completely bore the hell out of me. Even as friends really. I feel damn horrible saying that, but it’s true. people these days just disinterest me…
anyway. songs/poems
Sitting on the train, watching the houses go by.
I wish I could see into the windows, to see the familys cry.
Are they happy? Are they sad…
The cars gliding past.
And the only thing on my mind, is your sweet touch.
It’s silly really, the thoughts that run through my mind.
I wonder, if we’d touch on this train.
Slim fingers delicatly touching, touching.
Would we moan? Would we groan? Oh my, it’s making me nervous just thinking.
A handsome one, you are!
Oh how I wish, we could have one touch. The blossoms touching. oh dear, oh my.
(Wrote this on the train. surprised? D: felt rly dirty afterwards…)
Told you what I wanted to say.
You took one look, and said okay.
I didn’t expect much else, how could I?
It’d be silly if I did. After all, how could someone like you
recipricate feelings of such longing?
I’m not surprised - not hurt.
Just incredibly frustrated at the lack of progress.
Do you find it amusing to toy with me?
Thank you and goodbye my dear sir.
How eloquently, you said, not to look at them.
In the magazines, their legs spread, the breasts perked.
At least they look mildly interesting.
It’s quite sad really, can you look into my eyes?
I’m not surprised - not hurt.
Just incredibly frustrated at the lack of progress.
Do you find it amusing to toy with me?
Thank you, and goodbye my dear sir.
Your pretty hair, the words you say,
Did they have any meaning at all? Including me in those silly stories.
I wonder, I wonder, did the endings have any bearing on the future?
Just leave me now, I can’t bear the pain of it all.
You ask for advice, so casually, as if I have no claim in it all.
Then again, maybe I’m to blame for putting myself out there.
Your sweet voice, it doesn’t hurt my ears, just the words that make the sounds.
I’m not surprised - not hurt.
Just incredibly frustrated at the lack of progress.
Do you find it amusing to toy with me?
Thank you, and goodbye my dear sir.
(Dedicated to someone. I could say their name as they don’t come here (despite having the link.) but I won’t. I’ll at least show THEM respect despite the fact they show me none.)
(Btw, fuck you person. fuck you fuck you fuck you. I despise you and love you with every fiber of my being. fuck you.)
Laughing, Laughing…
Lies and words hidden behind closed doors.
I wonder, how long it took you to realize this?
How many failed attempts?
I’m so sorry, my heart seems to be failing.
Stick that back into me, it doesn’t seem to hurt.
Everyone else said it hurt… funny how it doesn’t.
Perhaps that’s just my lack of a drive.
Stop me if you think, I’m just completely lacking.
Then again, why must I ask you? I already know this to be true.
It’s funny, how often our predicaments seem to make us laugh like schoolchildren.
Let’s go behind the school, and do what they all do.
He’ll show me, and you’ll show him.
Kneeling down, gravel in our knees.
Getting caught, that’s not in our minds. Not in the least.
I don’t love you, I really don’t. I’m afraid that it’s possible I’m utterly incapable of such a feeling. Could you foward me a letter on what it feels like?
Wandering out, late at night.
Give me a buck, give me a dime, for all the times I got asked why.
I’m not too sure, I’m really not, on what exactly it’s meant too do.
(Most of these are very…aherm. dirty? I suppose that’s the best word. I don’t know. raunchy? =| Hm.)
I’m sorry for the punch to the face.
It wasn’t really accident…
But indeed, I am sorry.
You shouldn’t act surprised.
I didn’t really mean it, although you did deserve it.
So please, please, stop that crying. I honestly wish you’d stop.
You’re so handsome, so honestly good. Make no mistake.
But really, really, idiocy has no place within in these walls. You expect sympathy, when I tell you straight out there’s no point in doing what you do.
I’m really not a violent person, you know this to be true.
I’m sorry, perhaps it’s the lack of passion in my life.
You’re not a very good teacher you know.
Not a good one at all.
You hear my celibate cries, and continue to do nothing.
Are you really that deaf? I didn’t even go near your ears, you know.
(lalala. frustration. yay. boo.)
I want you so badly.
Can I just have you?
It’s just for one night - like taking a single breath.
It’s funny, I can barely stand your presence…
Yet here I am, the one who’s the beggar.
Kneeling down behind fog-stained glass, surely it’ll leave behind imprints.
Not that you care, you never have, so why is it such a big deal?
I’m not quite sure where you’re coming from, what is it that you want from me?
I’m not exactly a veteran you know, contrary to what I say. Please teach me, as my own mind prevents me from learning it all on my own.
Shyness is not needed here, and yet it still prevails, why can’t I just win this battle here and now?
I’m not quite sure what to do with anything, it all feels so awkward.
I know it’s serious, I’ll try to stop laughing. But honestly, what did you expect?
My, my, my, my, my, it’s so serious. I never knew how much so.
Oh my my my my my….
I’m sure you wish to kill me, for all this. I’m quite sorry, I’ll make sure to send flowers the next day.
Just let me have this last touch.
(More frustration. blah blah blah.)
Gentle kisses, gently placed on the back of your neck.
You wonder why, you wonder why…
Did you ever stop to think…
Did you ever stop to think…
That perhaps, perhaps, I stopped to wonder as well?
So caught up, in the things we do. My hands rushing over yours,
I don’t know when to stop, you don’t stop to tell me.
What should I do? It’s not easy you know…
A lack of communication, ias I place my hands on you.
A twitch, obviously that’s not wanted.
No words, so I guess it’s okay.
Sexuality runs rampant across us both,
Erotic faces pulled out of our closets, it’s amusing and sad.
Is it really my face you imagine as my hands roam your body?
(Hm. Hm Hm Hm.)
and that’s it. xD Newest to oldest, btw.
I’m thinking about going by something else. Not my real name. I don’t…I don’t like it. it’s too plain. and, too many bad memories attached to it, I guess is the best way of putting it.
I might go by Skip. Duo once told me that was my nickname when I was little, when I asked. Hm.
Yea, I like Skip. I’ma start having people call me that. =|
I just wanna start anew in the city.
Blah.
So, lately I’ve been in love with Daft Punk<3. (I went so far as to make a bet with my friend that one day, I will marry Guy-Manuel. And I tell you, I will. Not because I wanna win the bet, but because I was planning on doing it anyway. Matt, just…refuses to believe I can do it.) So, I’ve been listening to them nonstop. xD; I’ve also been watching videos on Youtube. “HEY MEESTAH!” Oh god that was -the- most funniest way to say it ever. Oh, and that one video of Thomas DJing with Guy-Manuel in the background? WHERE THE FUCK IS GUY-MANUEL? IT’S LIKE PLAYING WHERE’S WALDO. I can’t figure out which one he is. TT_TT It’s frustrating. Either way, I’m not gonna rest till I find the bastard. D=
My math final is tomorrow and Friday. Not too worried about it. It seems like it’ll be straightfoward. So, I’m not -that- worried. All I have to do to keep my A is get like, I think…80 something points? So I’m not too worried. If I can keep an A- that’s cool. If I get B (while almost getting an A), I’ll be fine.
We get to have a ‘party’ in Humanties, thanks to my suggestion~! Hehe, Mr. Talken is awesome like that. I’m gonna miss him when we leave. TT_TT
Anywaaay~ Back to trying to find Wald- I mean Guy-Manuel. D=<
Edit: FOUND THE LITTLE BASTARD! A couple a times at least. The lighting sucks tho. TT^TT
Happy (late) Thanksgiving~!
We went to Seraph’s house, (Duo and I that is, Rival spent time with his girlfriend.), and we met her family. It was fun. Just wish I could’ve spent more time in the city, D:
Went to the library on saturday, (stopped by McDonalds to get something to eat. Two double cheeseburgers cost like, $2.19. Jeez, that’s cheap, xD;), and then a few hours after I got home, I found out two of the manga volumes I had put up for hold were ready. >.<;;;;
Oh, I also made some onigiri (riceballs) yesterday. I made ‘em for lunch during the week. I know my friend’sll eat them too.
Ho-hum.
*sighs* I’ve just been feeling really lonely lately. Duo has a girlfriend, Rival does…
>///<; I just feel really lonely. I don’t mind really, it’s just kinda lonely. There’s guys that like me… but I just don’t like them back. Brandon’s nice, but it’d just be too weird to date him, cause if I were to break up with him - eesh that’d be hard. And Mikos… just no. Miko’s is just too creepy. I tolerate it to a degree, cause he -is- my friend, but… too creepy. >////<*
And I think Travis might like me. I doubt it though. xD;
Actually, I don’t want a -boyfriend- right now, I’d actually prefer a girl. Funny, huh? xD; But considering what town I live in, I can’t go up to a girl and ask her out. It’s bad enough the rude remarks I get just for BEING bisexual.
In a way, I wish I still lived in Mt. Vernon… cause there’s a girl i knew, who was my friend, and apparently, surprise surprise, she’s bi as well. She was actually pretty funny and I really liked her, (Not as much as Emma of course. ^///^ But I HIGHLY doubt I’ll ever be able to date her. TT.TT sucks, but oh well. I’ll always love her, and she realizes it. I was lucky enough for her to understand that. ^_^). But what really bothers me about Jess, is that she’s really gotten outta control. x.X She keeps on dating this one girl, who just keeps fucking her over. TT_TT sucks.
Oh well.
Anywayyysss, I’m gonna get a laptop!
-Selphie
