“Nobody likes you everyone left you..”
I’ve noticed something.
Ever since we left O’fallon and moved to fucking Mt.Vernon me and my father have fought a fuck of alot more.
So today..we of course have a huge fight. I try to not cry but end up doing so anyway.
He leaves saying I have to clean my room in a furious voice. I start to do so but before doing that I put on “Wake me up when September Ends”. Even as I sang along I cried. I cried so damn much my hair started to stick to my cheeks.
After that I put on Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I could see myself walking down a empty road by myself. Just like J.O.S probaly did. Walking along by himself wallowing in self-pity and wondering when this horrible thing they call life would end. After crying some more I managed to turn it onto..Give Me Novacaine. In this St.Jimmy gives J.O.S drugs and he finds them…soothing. By this time I had a huge headache. I sang along hoping to dear god if he’s real to help me end all this pain.
Next song…Letterbomb, complete with Whatsername’s taunt to J.O.S: “Nobody likes you Everyone left you. They’re all out without you having fun..”. I fucking broke down in another round of sobs. I cried because of that’s what I felt like. Like everyone left me. Like the song Longview says: “Call me pathetic call me whatyouwill.”. Do exactly that. I felt like everyone including my dad had left me.
Leaving me along to my own cries of pain and self pity.
“You’re not the Jesus of Suburbia, and St.Jimmy is a figment of your fathers rage and your mothers love” Here you must switch Father and mother. I was my fathers love and my mothers rage. Odd I know…anyway…after that song I put on Homecoming. In the begining of this J.O.S starts out with a answering machine message ((like when you call someone and a message plays such as: Sorry not here right now please leave a message)) My heart is beating from me,
I am standing all alone,
Please call me only if you are coming home,
Waste another year flies by,
Waste a night or two,
You taught me how to live
Okay les take out….”Please call me only if you are coming home”
Here I’m thinking “Talk to me and tell me that you’ll be here to comfort me and take away this pain”.
Neaxt,
In the crowd of pain, St. Jimmy comes without any shame,
He says “We’re fucked up”,
But we’re not the same,
And mom and dad are the ones you can blame
Okay first up: We’re fucked up but we’re not the same. In a way I feel , like J.O.S, I have two people inside me. One side is my St.Jimmy side the other my J.O.S. I personally felt like my whole life is fucked up and everyone in it should pretty much die in a firey explosion.
“And mom and dad are the ones you can blame” here I went all out crying. I wanted badly to blame my mom AND my dad. But I knew I couldn’t. Not even my mom. No not even the woman who has indeed tried to screw my life up.
And even I knew I couldn’t blame my dad. He did nothing. I was sitting here in self-pity because of me. No one else. Not even St.Jimmy can change that.
Jimmy died today
He blew his brains out into the bay,
In the state of mind in my own private suicide
Here’s were I took my hand and made a ‘gun’ and put it to my head. When it said “He blew his brains out into the bay” I shot the gun. Bangity Bang. It was my own private little suicide. One that I could never do with a real gun.
And nobody cares,
And nobody cares,
Does anyone care if nobody cares?,
And nobody cares,
And nobody cares,
Does anyone care if nobody cares?,
Exactly as the song says. Nobody cares…at least…it felt like that. I was J.O.S. I was feeling sick inside. Sick of life sick of the tauntings the pain. Worst of all: Sick of what I had become.
Somebody get me out of here,
Anybody get me out of here,
Somebody get me out of here,
Get me the fuck right out of here J.O.S after getting a job and blah blah blah doesn’t like it. He wants to get out. Here I was scratching at my skin. Wanting so badly to turn away from my life. I almost started to scream this.
Nobody likes you,
Everyone left you,
They’re all out without you,
Havin’ fun,
Everyone left you,
Nobody likes you,
They’re all out without you,
Havin’ fun,
Where’d you go?
Here Whatsername’s words taunt J.O.S’s mind. She was right. Everyone hated him. Everyone left him because he had become a monster. Something he was forced to do. He had gone insane. The daily things in his life. The daily people had forced the last shred of sanity from him. “Where’d you go?” she’s referring to “Where is the real you?”
I got a rock and roll band,
I got a rock and roll life,
I got a rock and roll girlfriend,
And another ex-wife
I got a rock and roll house,
I got a rock and roll car,
I play the shit out the drums,
And I can play the guitar
I got a kid in New York,
I got a kid in the Bay,
I haven’t drank or smoked nothin’,
In over 22 days,
So get off of my case
This is one of my favorite parts of Homecoming. It’s a ‘postcard’ from Tunny. A unknown person J.O.S met on the streets. This made me cry for the plain sake of: “Do I want this life?”
Here they come marching down the street,
Like a desperation murmur of a heart beat,
Coming back from the edge of town,
Underneath their feet
The time has come and it’s going nowhere,
Nobody ever said that life was fair now,
Go-carts and guns are treasures they will bear,
In the summer heat
The world is spinning around and around,
Out of control again,
From the 7-11 to the fear of breaking down,
So send my love a letterbomb,
And visit me in hell,
We’re the ones going
Home.
We’re coming home again
I started fuckin’ running,
Just as soon as my feet touch ground,
We’re back in the barrio,
But to you and me, that’s jingletown
Home.
We’re coming home again,
Nobody likes you,
Everyone left you,
They’re all out without you,
Havin’ fun
He’s going home. Back to the pain. The suffering. Everything he tried to escape. What he had now is not what he wanted. He knew deep down, he wasn’t the Jesus of Suburbia. It was a lie. A lie to escape it all. He found the truth…and went back.
After Homecoming I put on Whatsername. The key highlight.
In the song J.O.S remebers Whatsername who had left him ((During Letterbomb she left him)).
Thought I ran into you down on the street,
Then it turned out to only be a dream,
I made a point to burn all of the photographs,
She went away and then I took a different path,
I remember the face,
But I can’t recall the name,
Now I wonder how whatsername has been
In Whatsername I’m remebering myself. The Sara who didn’t care what other people thought. The Sare who would talk to her dad. That Sara…like the song says “She went away and I took a different path” she left….I turned…I turned the lonely state of depression and nothingness. “I made a point to burn all of the photographs” I wanted all of the old Sara to leave. I didn’t need it..or want it.
Seems that she disappeared without a trace,
Did she every marry old what’s his face,
I made a point to burn all of the photographs,
She went away and then I took a different path,
I remember the face,
But I can’t recall the name,
Now I wonder how whatsername has been
I disapeared without a trace. I was no one. I wasn’t Sara McCraken. I was Whatsername. I had no name…I was there..and yet I wasn’t.
Remember, whatever,
It seems like forever ago,
Remember, whatever,
It seems like forever ago,
The regrets are useless,
In my mind,
She’s in my head,
I must confess,
The regrets are useless,
She’s in my head,
From so long ago
And in the darkest night,
If my memory serves me right,
I’ll never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time
The regrets I made are useless. I can’t change the fact I had changed. It was so far ago. I was scratching again crying…I wanted to go back..even though I knew damn well I couldn’t. No matter what. And if my memory does serve right…I’ll never be able to go back…never..I’ve changed..for the better or worse…I don’t know. I’m forgetting my oldself..but not the time in which I spent with her.
After remebering myself I put on…Jesus of Suburbia. I wasn’t Whatsername anymore. I was J.O.S.
I’m the son of rage and love,
The Jesus of suburbia,
From the bible of “none of the above”,
On a steady diet of soda pop and ritalin,
No one ever died for my sins in hell,
As far as I can tell,
At least the ones I got away with
“I’m the son of Rage and Love” yes I know full well I am girl. but at the same time..this is what I felt. My parents did love each other at one point. But as I said: My father was love my mother was rage. I was the bridge. I was made from rage and love. I grew up with it. My parent’s despise each other.
It says: home is where your heart is,
But what a shame,
‘Cause everyone’s heart,
Doesn’t beat the same,
We’re beating out of time
Home is where your heart is? As J.O.S states…everyones heart does not beat the same. I can’t always go out and openly state: “Hey guess what! I don’t give a fuck!”
City of the dead,
At the end of another lost highway,
Signs misleading to nowhere,
City of the damned,
Lost children with dirty faces today,
No one really seems to care
City of the Dead…that’s what Mt.Vernon is to me. The people don’t care. The children don’t care. No one really seems to care.
I read the graffiti,
In the bathroom stall,
Like the holy scriptures in a shopping mall,
And so it seemed to confess,
It didn’t say much,
But it only confirmed that,
The center of the earth,
Is the end of the world
And I could really care less
He doesn’t give a fuck now. His sanity is leaving him slowly. He’s begining to think: “Well what the fuck…no one cares about me…so I shouldn’t either”
I don’t care if you don’t,
I don’t care if you don’t,
I don’t care if you don’t care
I don’t care if you don’t,
I don’t care if you don’t,
I don’t care if you don’t care
I don’t care if you don’t,
I don’t care if you don’t,
I don’t care if you don’t care
I don’t care if you don’t,
I don’t care if you don’t,
I don’t care if you don’t care
He doesn’t care. He openly states it now. By this time I’m pulling my hair…I don’t care now. I’m sick of it all. Sick of the taunts..the fighting..everything. I didn’t care.
Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can’t remember a word that you were saying,
Are we demented? Or am I disturbed?
The space that’s in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy can you please fill the void?
Am I Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody’s perfect and I stand accused,
For the lack of a better word, and that’s my best excuse
He’s basically saying “Nobodies perfect and yet you accuse me of being something I cannot be…”. I feel like this. The people at school every day..accuse me because I am not ‘perfect’. Sorry folks..shows over!
So I run,
I run away
To the light of masochists,
And I leave behind,
This hurricane of fucking lies,
And I walked this line,
A million and one fucking times,
But not this time
I don’t feel any shame,
I won’t apologize
When there ain’t nowhere you can go,
Running away from pain,
When you’ve been victimized,
Tales from another broken home
You’re leaving…
You’re leaving…
You’re leaving…
Ah you’re leaving home…
He’s running. Running from his home his town his pain. He’s not going to say sorry. He could care less. He feels this is right. He’s been victimized for no reason. When I was…around 9 I almost ran away. I was scared confused and broken. I could barely count out the money I was to use.
So this is what happened. I was confused broken and wanting to get out.
