So,
we’re moved in.
I have my own room!
yay.
and I am really happy…
but…
I don’t know, I still feel…
sad.
I know I shouldn’t be, and it pisses me off that I am.
I SHOULD NOT BE SAD.
I still have insomnia. I want to sleep, I feel tired, but I just can’t get to sleep.
I’m starting to think I’m going to need sleep medication, or antidepressants or SOMETHING.
I want to be better, I really do. I don’t want people worrying about me, trying to make me feel better.
I really don’t have anything to be sad about…
but, I don’t know. It’s so hard to describe…
anyway.
I have had it with my mother.
As far as I’m concerned,
she gave birth to me. That’s all.
I.do.not.want.her.in.my.fucking.life.
Maybe we’ll have a magical “movie-moment!” and make up years for now.
But really, I could care less if we do.
I don’t SEE her as a mother. I look at her, and I don’t think, “yea, that’s my mom.” I think, “why exactly am I here?”
I just, I just…
I don’t see her as a mother. For years and years I tried to convince myself that yea, she was my mom, she’d always be there for me.
Because I thought I had too.
but now, I just can’t…
I just can’t see myself and say, “yea, I have a mom.”
=|
blah.
I’m gonna go try and get to sleep.
I do love my new room though.
