Killing cliche's as fast as you invent them.

“Don’t Walk Away”

Don’t walk away
See I just can’t find the right thing to say
I tried but all my pain gets in the way
Tell me what I have to do so you’ll stay
Should I get down on my knees and pray

[CHORUS 1]
And how can I stop losing you
How can I begin to say
When there’s nothing left to do but walk away

I close my eyes
Just to try and see you smile one more time
But it’s been so long now all I do is cry
Can’t we find some love to take this away
‘Cause the pain gets stronger every day

[CHORUS 2]
How can I begin again
How am I to understand
When there’s nothing left to do but walk away

See now why
All my dreams been broken
I don’t know where we’re going
Everything we said and all we done now
Don’t let go, I don’t wanna walk away
Now why
All my dreams been broken
Don’t know where we’re going
Everything begins to set us free
Can’t you see, I don’t wanna walk away

If you go, I won’t forget you girl
Can’t you see that you will always be
Even though I had to let you go
There’ nothing left to do
Don’t walk away

—-

ignore the fact that is technically a love song.

my mom is being evicted. She told me some story about how her landlord/boss got a DUI and so he needs the apartment so he’s closer to the resteraunt so his wife doesn’t have to drive him.

who knows if it’s true.

so she has until the end of this month (July) to move out.

and yet…she wants to go to the Dot Dot Dot concert on sunday.

right. because Having fun and not acting your age > responsibilities.

I’ve come to the sad conclusion I do not have a mother.

and after I wrote that I cried a little bit.

You would think, after all the joking, all the trying to push it off, I’d be able to write that without turning into a mess.

Actually, you wouldn’t think that would you?

It burns so much, to come to that realization that’s been burning in me…even when I was little. But when I was little I still had that glimmer of hope.

I used to pray, and wish on every star, that my parents would get back together. It consumed me. I wanted nothing more. 

She was never a mother to me, but I still wanted it. I wanted a mother, to see what it feels like.

I still don’t.

I never will.

I have plenty of women who can answer my questions.

But it’s different.

They’re very close friends.

But they’re not mom.

It’s aggravating, and to the point to where when I come home from her house my dad has tylenol waiting for me. I hate going there. For one thing, I never spend time with her really. Instead I’m stuck with awkward silences and words with Tom whom I really loath. Instead I’m stuck with my brothers who, when I attempt to discipline, seeing as no one else does effectively, or at all, I get the crap.

Example: I was in the bathroom, my phone was in the living room. My phone rang and my brother (S, the younger one who is FIVE and should know better) took it (and granted, was trying to be helpful but still) BARGED INTO THE BATHROOM. No knocking, no nothing. In shock, I grabbed my phone and slammed the door, accidentally smashing his fingers in the door.

Now, I did not MEAN to do that. It was on pure shock. Anyone would’ve reacted if you were a 16-year old girl and your five year old brother is barging into the bathroom.
My mom: “Sara, he was just trying to HELP you.”

I get no privacy in that house.

I tried changing one day and my almost 7-year old brother did not want to leave the room.

I can remeber another instance where the two were jumping around on couches, and my mother and Tom were trying to figure out some stupid entertainment center. So I told my brothers to knock it off and sit down.
And I know I heard Tom yell at ME, “That’s enough Sara!”

Well, I’m so fucking sorry, that YOU can’t fucking raise your kids.

FUCK YOU.

I don’t hate that man, but he is childish, immature, and so so so lost.

I hate being AROUND him.

but anyway…

my mother.

I can’t even bear to call her MOTHER anymore. Let alone mom. in my mind, she is “T”

Always making excuses, drudging up the past.

I just nod my head, “yeah. uh huh.” attempting and usually getting it pushed aside when I try to defend whatever (usually my dad.).

yet, she does not feel anything is wrong.

she feels infact, as tho things have IMPROVED.

Case in point, she was talking to Rose in DDD, and said how much the band brought her and I together.

It hasn’t.

It reminds me of the fact that this is a woman who nearing 40 and desperatly wants to be 20.

Which makes me think that the whole reason she tried so desperatly hard to win me back over is because she realized that she is getting older and so am I.

And maybe that doesn’t sound bad too you.

But it makes me feel used. Like I am nothing more then a prop, or a mannequin for my mom to use and talk too.

and what makes it more alarming for me is that…

I cannot have my mother in my life for the life I have planned.

I want to be famous, I want to be an actress.

All those hollywood horror stories about parents?

My mother point blank.

She would be crawling up my ASS.

Because, she went through labor= a mansion, money, etc.

If you were to ask her that (or rather if I asked her.) she would get furious and go, “NO, of course not.”

But all I ever hear about from my mother is what she would do if she ever won the lottery.

and sometimes she’ll turn to me smiling, and say, “And when you hit it rich you’ll get me a mansion right?” to which I awkwardly reply with, “yeah sure.”

Stark difference from my dad and I.

“Yeah dad, I’ma buy you a mansion.”

“Dude no, I don’t need that. just buy me a boat and I’m set.”

“You sure?? I mean, I’ma being a lion and an amardillo, I’m sure I can get you like, a hippo.”

“No. Boat’s fine. …wait, a fucking lion? Seriously Selphie? WTH. You’re gonna end up as the crazy cat lady.”

etc.

My dad does not expect anything like that from me.

But my mom has the viewpoint of kids must take care of their parents.

Which, true, I’d do that. I love my dad…

…but he’s the one who’s put the effort, the time, the money, the love into raising me.

My mom has been in and out, barely trying and when she does feebly try it comes off as an attempt that looks like she’s trying to simply buy me.

Which leads me to realize, I cannot have her in my life when I become an actress. I just can’t.

I love my mother.

But I don’t know her.

I don’t know her at all.

The distant memories from my childhood are happy, then filled with sadness each time I realize that it ended with me crying when she dropped me back home, uncertain when we’d next see each other.

It shouldn’t feel like you’re going on a vacation when you’re going to visit your mother.

“And how can I stop losing you
How can I begin to say
When there’s nothing left to do but walk away.”

 

But, for now, I will continue going to my mothers house (altho I go only for a a day or two at a time.), if only for the brothers I really can’t stand.

But I know there is a time in the future when  I have to walk away from the mother I have never known. Walk away from the charade we both put on. Because that’s all it ever is. Awkward talks about the same things we talk about all the time. like an endless charade. We both know it I think.

 

but, I’ll have to be the one to walk away. But it won’t be hard. How is it hard to miss something you know nothing of?

 

I love my mother.

But I don’t know her.

 

Have I ever? Even as a child I don’t think I knew her. Always elusive and always just out of my grasp.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 24th, 2009 at 9:38 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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