It’s been awhile! Heh. And lots have changed. I still love Daft Punk but…
well.
I love Morrissey/The Smiths a lot more. I really do. It’s weird. never have I liked someone this much before. =|
It’s really weird. I mean, granted, everyone thinks this is just another phase of mine, and I don’t blame them. I really don’t.
But. it’s just. (and I know -every- Morrissey fan says this.) the lyrics are just so…true. I don’t know. it’s so hard to explain. I can’t really. Other people can, but I just…I can’t. Never have I been at such a loss for words. D:
fksr4potekkk
anyway.
I wrote a bunch of songs, (posting them on myspace. =|)
also, I’m pretty damn sure I’m asexual at this point. both genders just completely bore the hell out of me. Even as friends really. I feel damn horrible saying that, but it’s true. people these days just disinterest me…
anyway. songs/poems
Sitting on the train, watching the houses go by.
I wish I could see into the windows, to see the familys cry.
Are they happy? Are they sad…
The cars gliding past.
And the only thing on my mind, is your sweet touch.
It’s silly really, the thoughts that run through my mind.
I wonder, if we’d touch on this train.
Slim fingers delicatly touching, touching.
Would we moan? Would we groan? Oh my, it’s making me nervous just thinking.
A handsome one, you are!
Oh how I wish, we could have one touch. The blossoms touching. oh dear, oh my.
(Wrote this on the train. surprised? D: felt rly dirty afterwards…)
Told you what I wanted to say.
You took one look, and said okay.
I didn’t expect much else, how could I?
It’d be silly if I did. After all, how could someone like you
recipricate feelings of such longing?
I’m not surprised - not hurt.
Just incredibly frustrated at the lack of progress.
Do you find it amusing to toy with me?
Thank you and goodbye my dear sir.
How eloquently, you said, not to look at them.
In the magazines, their legs spread, the breasts perked.
At least they look mildly interesting.
It’s quite sad really, can you look into my eyes?
I’m not surprised - not hurt.
Just incredibly frustrated at the lack of progress.
Do you find it amusing to toy with me?
Thank you, and goodbye my dear sir.
Your pretty hair, the words you say,
Did they have any meaning at all? Including me in those silly stories.
I wonder, I wonder, did the endings have any bearing on the future?
Just leave me now, I can’t bear the pain of it all.
You ask for advice, so casually, as if I have no claim in it all.
Then again, maybe I’m to blame for putting myself out there.
Your sweet voice, it doesn’t hurt my ears, just the words that make the sounds.
I’m not surprised - not hurt.
Just incredibly frustrated at the lack of progress.
Do you find it amusing to toy with me?
Thank you, and goodbye my dear sir.
(Dedicated to someone. I could say their name as they don’t come here (despite having the link.) but I won’t. I’ll at least show THEM respect despite the fact they show me none.)
(Btw, fuck you person. fuck you fuck you fuck you. I despise you and love you with every fiber of my being. fuck you.)
Laughing, Laughing…
Lies and words hidden behind closed doors.
I wonder, how long it took you to realize this?
How many failed attempts?
I’m so sorry, my heart seems to be failing.
Stick that back into me, it doesn’t seem to hurt.
Everyone else said it hurt… funny how it doesn’t.
Perhaps that’s just my lack of a drive.
Stop me if you think, I’m just completely lacking.
Then again, why must I ask you? I already know this to be true.
It’s funny, how often our predicaments seem to make us laugh like schoolchildren.
Let’s go behind the school, and do what they all do.
He’ll show me, and you’ll show him.
Kneeling down, gravel in our knees.
Getting caught, that’s not in our minds. Not in the least.
I don’t love you, I really don’t. I’m afraid that it’s possible I’m utterly incapable of such a feeling. Could you foward me a letter on what it feels like?
Wandering out, late at night.
Give me a buck, give me a dime, for all the times I got asked why.
I’m not too sure, I’m really not, on what exactly it’s meant too do.
(Most of these are very…aherm. dirty? I suppose that’s the best word. I don’t know. raunchy? =| Hm.)
I’m sorry for the punch to the face.
It wasn’t really accident…
But indeed, I am sorry.
You shouldn’t act surprised.
I didn’t really mean it, although you did deserve it.
So please, please, stop that crying. I honestly wish you’d stop.
You’re so handsome, so honestly good. Make no mistake.
But really, really, idiocy has no place within in these walls. You expect sympathy, when I tell you straight out there’s no point in doing what you do.
I’m really not a violent person, you know this to be true.
I’m sorry, perhaps it’s the lack of passion in my life.
You’re not a very good teacher you know.
Not a good one at all.
You hear my celibate cries, and continue to do nothing.
Are you really that deaf? I didn’t even go near your ears, you know.
(lalala. frustration. yay. boo.)
I want you so badly.
Can I just have you?
It’s just for one night - like taking a single breath.
It’s funny, I can barely stand your presence…
Yet here I am, the one who’s the beggar.
Kneeling down behind fog-stained glass, surely it’ll leave behind imprints.
Not that you care, you never have, so why is it such a big deal?
I’m not quite sure where you’re coming from, what is it that you want from me?
I’m not exactly a veteran you know, contrary to what I say. Please teach me, as my own mind prevents me from learning it all on my own.
Shyness is not needed here, and yet it still prevails, why can’t I just win this battle here and now?
I’m not quite sure what to do with anything, it all feels so awkward.
I know it’s serious, I’ll try to stop laughing. But honestly, what did you expect?
My, my, my, my, my, it’s so serious. I never knew how much so.
Oh my my my my my….
I’m sure you wish to kill me, for all this. I’m quite sorry, I’ll make sure to send flowers the next day.
Just let me have this last touch.
(More frustration. blah blah blah.)
Gentle kisses, gently placed on the back of your neck.
You wonder why, you wonder why…
Did you ever stop to think…
Did you ever stop to think…
That perhaps, perhaps, I stopped to wonder as well?
So caught up, in the things we do. My hands rushing over yours,
I don’t know when to stop, you don’t stop to tell me.
What should I do? It’s not easy you know…
A lack of communication, ias I place my hands on you.
A twitch, obviously that’s not wanted.
No words, so I guess it’s okay.
Sexuality runs rampant across us both,
Erotic faces pulled out of our closets, it’s amusing and sad.
Is it really my face you imagine as my hands roam your body?
(Hm. Hm Hm Hm.)
and that’s it. xD Newest to oldest, btw.
I’m thinking about going by something else. Not my real name. I don’t…I don’t like it. it’s too plain. and, too many bad memories attached to it, I guess is the best way of putting it.
I might go by Skip. Duo once told me that was my nickname when I was little, when I asked. Hm.
Yea, I like Skip. I’ma start having people call me that. =|
I just wanna start anew in the city.
Blah.
So, lately I’ve been in love with Daft Punk<3. (I went so far as to make a bet with my friend that one day, I will marry Guy-Manuel. And I tell you, I will. Not because I wanna win the bet, but because I was planning on doing it anyway. Matt, just…refuses to believe I can do it.) So, I’ve been listening to them nonstop. xD; I’ve also been watching videos on Youtube. “HEY MEESTAH!” Oh god that was -the- most funniest way to say it ever. Oh, and that one video of Thomas DJing with Guy-Manuel in the background? WHERE THE FUCK IS GUY-MANUEL? IT’S LIKE PLAYING WHERE’S WALDO. I can’t figure out which one he is. TT_TT It’s frustrating. Either way, I’m not gonna rest till I find the bastard. D=
My math final is tomorrow and Friday. Not too worried about it. It seems like it’ll be straightfoward. So, I’m not -that- worried. All I have to do to keep my A is get like, I think…80 something points? So I’m not too worried. If I can keep an A- that’s cool. If I get B (while almost getting an A), I’ll be fine. 
We get to have a ‘party’ in Humanties, thanks to my suggestion~! Hehe, Mr. Talken is awesome like that. I’m gonna miss him when we leave. TT_TT
Anywaaay~ Back to trying to find Wald- I mean Guy-Manuel. D=<
Edit: FOUND THE LITTLE BASTARD! A couple a times at least. The lighting sucks tho. TT^TT
Happy (late) Thanksgiving~!
We went to Seraph’s house, (Duo and I that is, Rival spent time with his girlfriend.), and we met her family. It was fun. Just wish I could’ve spent more time in the city, D:
Went to the library on saturday, (stopped by McDonalds to get something to eat. Two double cheeseburgers cost like, $2.19. Jeez, that’s cheap, xD;), and then a few hours after I got home, I found out two of the manga volumes I had put up for hold were ready. >.<;;;;
Oh, I also made some onigiri (riceballs) yesterday. I made ‘em for lunch during the week. I know my friend’sll eat them too.
Ho-hum.
*sighs* I’ve just been feeling really lonely lately. Duo has a girlfriend, Rival does…
>///<; I just feel really lonely. I don’t mind really, it’s just kinda lonely. There’s guys that like me… but I just don’t like them back. Brandon’s nice, but it’d just be too weird to date him, cause if I were to break up with him - eesh that’d be hard. And Mikos… just no. Miko’s is just too creepy. I tolerate it to a degree, cause he -is- my friend, but… too creepy. >////<*
And I think Travis might like me. I doubt it though. xD;
Actually, I don’t want a -boyfriend- right now, I’d actually prefer a girl. Funny, huh? xD; But considering what town I live in, I can’t go up to a girl and ask her out. It’s bad enough the rude remarks I get just for BEING bisexual.
In a way, I wish I still lived in Mt. Vernon… cause there’s a girl i knew, who was my friend, and apparently, surprise surprise, she’s bi as well. She was actually pretty funny and I really liked her, (Not as much as Emma of course. ^///^ But I HIGHLY doubt I’ll ever be able to date her. TT.TT sucks, but oh well. I’ll always love her, and she realizes it. I was lucky enough for her to understand that. ^_^). But what really bothers me about Jess, is that she’s really gotten outta control. x.X She keeps on dating this one girl, who just keeps fucking her over. TT_TT sucks.
Oh well.
Anywayyysss, I’m gonna get a laptop!
-Selphie
Has your mom ever emailed you saying, “I might be going to jail.”?
Mine just did.
She has to go to Texas on the 29th to talk about her fine. The worst case scenario is that they’ll put her in jail.
Or, she could be put into a Halfway house…thing, and pay off her fine.
OR, they might let her go home and pay off her fine.
The way her life is going? I’d say it’s one of the top two.
I don’t know what to feel at this point. Her emails still open but I don’t have a word for a reply. What am I supposed to say?
“Oh gee mom, I’m sorry. I’m sure they’ll send you home! YEA! GOTTA THINK OMPTIMISTICALLY!”
I am getting ready.to.fucking.scream.
OF ALL FUCKING TIME TO FUCKING TO PULL THIS SHIT.
IT’S FUCKING PISSING ME OFF! I’M TIRED OF THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT. IT’S GETTING OLD. “I’M SORRY FOR ALL THE PAIN AND PROBLEMS I’VE CAUSED YOU?” IF YOU WERE FUCKING SORRY YOU’D GET YOUR FUCKING ACT STRAIGHT. YOU’D FUCKING GO TO GAMBLERS ANON. YOU’D FUCKING *TRY* INTEAD OF FUCKING COMPLAINING ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. I’VE FUCKING TRIED AND TRIED AGAIN TO FUCKING HELP YOU. BUT EVERYTIME SOMEONE FUCKING TRIES TO DO THAT, YOU FUCKING IGNORE THEM! YOU WANT A FUCKING SOLUTION? GO TO FUCKING JAIL! MAYBE YOU’LL FUCKING STRAIGHTEN UP AFTER FUCKING BEING IN THERE! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. MAYBE IF YOU’RE AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN, AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE YOU FUCKING LOVE, MAYBE THEN YOU’LL REALIZE, “OH FUCK. I REALLY SCREWED THIS SHIT UP.”
I AM FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS FUCKING STUPID BULLSHIT. ALL SHE FUCKING DOES IS PULL THIS SHIT.
“OH PRAY FOR ME.”
HOW ABOUT I PRAY, INSTEAD, FOR A FUCKING MOM! THAT’S ALL I FUCKING WANT! IS MY MOM. BUT NO, SHE’S GOING TO *FUCKING GODDAMN TEXAS* AND SHE MIGHT NOT BE COMING BACK FOR A WHILE!
THIS.IS.FUCKING.BULLSHIT!
ALL MY LIFE, I’VE HAD TO HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE’S FUCKING MOMS. MY OWN DAD’S MOM JUST DIED. AT LEAST SHE WAS ACTUAL FUCKING THERE FOR HIM AND RIVAL. MY MOM? NO, SHE’S IN FUCKING *TEXAS*
FUCKING.TEXAS.
SHE’S NOT FUCKING CARING ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK I FEEL. NO, SHE’S ALWAYS FUCKING CONCERNED ABOUT *HER* SHE CAN SAY ME AND MY BROTHERS ARE HER WORLD, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
*SHE’S* HER OWN FUCKING WORLD.
AND I’M FUCKING SICK.AND.TIRED.OF.IT.
FUCK.HER.
(maybe some that shit was unfair. But I don’t care. I am fucking PISSED.)
(And of all weekends, when Duo is in the city. FUCK!)
Yea, that hit me only last Friday as I was walking down the hallways.
Honestly, I don’t know what to feel these days. I’m in a realitionship with a guy who’s honestly trying to damn hard, and I don’t know how to break up with him without hurting him x10.
I also like someone else, who…happens to be a junior.
and has a girlfriend.
… It seems the saying, “The good ones are always taken” is true. >.>;;
It feels like the whole Garrett thing all over again.
I just wish I could be with someone I can relate too. The guy I happen to like is actually -interested- in the things -I’m- interested. The guy I’m with now is just watching the things I watch based on the fact I watch them.
He bought a fucking Naruto headband because I have one.
…>_______< And that’s one thing I absolutely hate.
Because apparently, when Brandon told him to watch Naruto, he didn’t. But when *I* said he should, he did.
HSHJGDHJKSR. That is really fucking annoying. I’m glad you like me that much, but if you honestly liked me that much, you’d just be yourself for christs sake.
In any event even when I do break up with him, I highly doubt I’ll ever date the guy I actually like. But hell, who knows? He always talks to me in the hallways and just today he randomly poked me for a few seconds. >////<
Jeez I feel like a silly teenage girl.
In other news, hopefully I’ll be able to be Haruhi Suzumiya for Halloween. I dunno if I’ll make it though, I might just buy one. =3
Anyway, I’ve got to get to bed.
P.S. as for dealing with the death, that’s been going more…smoothly? I don’t know. I keep wishing she was here. Oh well, at least she’s not having to worry about shit. Although, knowing her, she’s prolly worrying about us all right now….-___________-”
She’s gone. And she’s not going to be jumping up and yelling, “HAHA, GOT YOU SUCKAS.”
My grandmother, mother to all,
has finally found peace.
I was there, I was there…
Rival and I both kissed her, hugged her…
It was our words, telling her…it was okay to die… That she had won for chrissakes….
That she managed to go.
It was hard. So hard. These past few days… I… don’t even remeber it all really. I remeber bits and pieces. Only a few things are clearly there. One, when she said finally remebered who I was, and told Rival and Duo to tell me she loved me, (I was in the room - she just didn’t realize it. Personally, I don’t think she thought of me as a 14-year old. More then likely, she thought I was a child again.)
That, and when she was trying to move and whatnot…. she looked at me…
and just smiled. Smiled that goofy smile she always smiled.
Also, my aunt was leaning down and said, “I love you sissy.”
and even though she could barely talk, she mumbled, “I love you too..”
…. It’s so hard. Especially her last few hours. I was there. A lot of people have not been through the pain of seeing someone they love and adore die right before their eyes. She had died long before she took that final breath. The paleness of their face, the redness in their feet, the blueish tinge in their hands…
One of her eyelids wouldn’t close.
Her eye? Completely blank.
Her breathing was methodical. Her body was just going through the motions…
But anyway, I’ll talk more about it later. Right now,… right now we all need to stick together.
As for my grandfather, (who died years back.)
Whoooo boy, has she got some stuff to say to YOU Grandpa.
I just got back from carnival in Lakeview…or some shit.
Anyway, this band called Dot Dot Dot was there.
I’m in love with them.
I got to hug Adam and he signed my sweatshirt. =3
I hope I can go to the German fest in Rockford to see them again.
Anyway, I’ll post more about them later (once the net is back up.)
-Selph
So, Grandma’s back in the hospital. Dunno if she’s being admitted or not yet, though.
Everytime this happens, it’s still always slightly scary. (This time, of course, we didn’t call an ambulance - we just had Rival drive her.)
I don’t want to get in the way, but I still just can’t stand there.
It’s frustrating. I suppose this is the first time I’ve full on dealt with something like this. I mean, I was only like, 5 when Grandpa died.
In a way, I just want this to be done and over with. I don’t like seeing her suffering. I don’t want my last memories with her to be of pain. It’s being dragged on, and it’s not fair.
She’ll go to the hospital, come back feeling perfectly fine! then, a few months later, she’ll relapse.
The months in between? that’s growing shorter.
We can only hope so much. =\
Anyway, other things.
Seraph’s pretty nice. I like her a lot.
Granted, that’s also what I thought of her. So, of course I’m still slightly wary.
But, Duo likes her, and she makes him happy. So, even though I do a keep an eye on them, I don’t worry too much.
I still worry of course, But I tend to do that whenever a new girl comes onto the scene. I guess part of the reason WHY I don’t worry as much is because…
With Shey, I never really saw my dad and her go…out. I mean, with other people. Friends. I mean, they’d go out. But, just each other. Maybe that’s why things fell down. They got sick of each other. (Or at least, Shey got sick of Duo.)
But with Seraph and Duo, they make a point to include others with them. Not everytime of course, but like,
They go out drinking with Kari and Dave. I never, saw Shey and Duo go out like that with friends.
It’s weird how I pick up shit like that. =\ But still. It shows Seraph is sociable, no? Shey wasn’t really. She was more involved with people on the internet.
Granted, so was Duo. But Seraph pulls him away from that, I think.
Which, is good in my book. =)
-Selph
Seriously, http://nillawafers.digitalarcadia.net/ .
Nilla Wafers? I like them too, but.
Honestly.
Next you’ll be saying Nilla Wafers can beat Chuck Norris. Or like, Nilla Wafers are Chuck Norris’ sidekick or his brand of cookies.
Anyway,
I really haven’t been doing much. School starts soon. I’m… I dunno what I’m feeling about that. Old, I suppose.
Hmm, what else. OH, some “parent” was complaining on Gaia today, saying it had to much sex on it.
Look, it’s a 13+ website. If you teach your kids how to be smart and responsible, and you don’t say, “NO! YOU CAN’T HAVE IT, BECAUSE *I* SAID SO.” they’ll be fine. Of course, she was complaining about cybering and such. And, while you shouldn’t cyber on Gaia, as it IS against the TOS, and you REALLY shouldn’t give out your address and such.
It’s a HELLUVA lot safer then actually going out and having sex and contracting STDs/AIDS/etc. But, no. This broad wants to shield her kid(s) from everything deemed “bad” in this world.
Of course, you must be reminded that, this wasn’t a unbiased ‘debate’ on her part, (despite her saying that.) It was her bitching at everyone on how to raise a kid.
(And to be totally frank, Gaia really doesn’t have a whole lot of ’sex’ on it. You get the occasionall trolls and such in Towns who want to cyber and trolls who post porn. but they get banned pretty quickly.
And as for the GD… oh well. It’s full of over-sex-crazed teens. O noes!)
Anyway, that’s about it for me really. Personally, I know how to handle myself on the internet. I’m not about to go tell some random person on the internet where I live. (My name is Robert Stengal. I live in Moline Illinois. I’m in the phonebook. My fathers a judge. Come Molest My House.*)
And parents wouldn’t have internet trouble with their kids if they just told them what the hell to do.
*That’s not really me, retards. It’s from a youtube video of a guy who pranks people on Ventrilo. If you haven’t seen these videos yet. … You need to. =D
“BALLS OF STEEL! I’VE GOT BALLSBALLSBALLS BAAALLS OF STEEL!”
-Selphie
Well, today I finally got my cat~
She used to belong to some family friends of ours, but now she’s mine~!! ^_^
She’s hiding right now, somewhere… x.X;
Annndddd, Jay’s a cockbite, I swear. Fucker cheating on me…
Oh well, life goes on.
